The Works of Philip Kaveny
Laura Hugs The Hog Part:5
“Jane you self-satisfied hypocritical bitch, you leave Fenwick alone”
Then Laura turned to Fenwick and said,” Fenwick get me out of here take me home, don’t want to be around these people anymore”
Fenwick was astounded Byron, Laura, and Jane were all staring intently at him waiting for his reply. Then Fenwick McLeod said something he would wonder about for the rest of his life. It was almost as if he had studied all his life for this moment. Then he said,
“Well the thing is Laura I would really like to give you a ride, but we have all this beer to drink”
Just then two waitresses showed up attired in new Uniforms which combined the theme of Hotters family restaurant with Saint Pauli Girl beer posters as the strained to keep everything that Fenwick had ordered on the tray, and strained to keeps guys is they had come to call them inside of their tops . When the Hooters look alike bent forward to wipe of the table and then sort of Joking whipped off Fenwick forehead and sort patted Fenwick chest and said,
“Will you want anything more big guy?”
That was it for Laura Larson it was as if thunder and lightning shot out her eyes and she said with hells fury as she stepped on Fenwick’s hand crawling over him to get out of the booth.
“Godamm You Fenwick McLeod and God Dam Fenwick McLeod twice for putting two pitchers of beer, two Pizzas, and two waitresses with racks like eight points buck ahead of me.”
The bar was pretty full and Laura Larson was not sure which way she was going, but what everybody else was sure of was nobody, and I mean nobody was going to get in her way. What nobody knew was that the two waitresses Allissa, and Alexandra where very bright business students whose attire was part of the Capstone research they were doing which correlated the relationship between the physical morphology of the wait staff Uniforms selection , size of tips and customer spending. Allissa was accepted and fully funded into the Stanford MBA, program, in the fall and Alexandra was also.
Byron Woodcock stood up peeled a $50 bill off a roll of bills in his pocket and handed it to the waitress dressed in the St. Pauli girl motif and followed Laura Larson out of the bar. He had obviously seen something he had never seen in her before. He turned his head and said to Joan Caldwell,” I can’t like Laura go feeling like this, Fenwick you take care of this and make sure that you give Joan a ride on your Harley Davidson when she wants to go home.
Then perhaps being affected Allissa and Alexandra attire perhaps on a sub or pre-cognitive level something else was going Byron pulled another twenty off of his roll and said.
“Fenwick in case you run out the next pitcher is on me”
Allissa and Alexandra left and Fenwick and Joan were stuck facing each. Joan hated Fenwick in way that made her honest with him. To her it did not matter what he thought, and she had already said what she thought of him, her descriptor the phase three hundred pound lard bucket seems to leave little room for ambiguity, yet she needed somebody to talk to and she need to say what she need to say. So she finally said,
“Fenwick pour me a beer a beer” Which she chugged faster than Fenwick had ever seen a woman hug a beer.
Then pointed the empty class at him still dripping with suds and said to Fenwick,” Pour me another one.” Which she chugged just as quickly,”
When she motioned for a third beer as Fenwick was sipping his first and said starting to slur her words, “Pour me another one just like the other one Fenwick just had to say something and so he said, Where the F…k did you learn to drink like that, and what the F…K are you trying do to yourself”
Joan started to cry uncontrollably and sobbed, “Fenwick McLeod you ruined my with your obtrusive personality and your stupid Viking Stories, I was all set to make it with Bryon tonight and somehow you so pissed off Laura, that she changed, and that made her interesting to Bryon, you made it so that little bitch, that little mousey bitch could ace me out.”
All Fenwick could say was ahhh, ahhh as Joan went on, she stood up and for the first time Fenwick actually looked her as she said.
“Look at me. I work out every day, touch me, and feel my muscle tone”
All Fenwick could say was ahhh, ahhh as she turned around and said
“Come on Fenwick look at these glutes, feel them they are hard as a rock, you could strike a match on them.
All Fenwick could say was ahhh, ahhh. “Maybe you have had enough to drink “
Joan said. “I have not had enough to drink until I can stand the idea of taking you Fenwick McLeod back to my apartment and doing your brains out, until you walk around bow legged just because I know that for some reason or other Laura was falling for you, and I know somehow it would piss her off as much as she has pissed me off ”
Again Fenwick said, ahhh, ahhh, “I mean what are you talking about, women don’t fall in love with me and if I score it is with women like you, who don’t want to be seen in public with, and make me park my motor cycle blocks away and never mention them to my friends:”
Joan had chugged several more glasses of beer and now she was softy sobbing, as Fenwick suddenly noticed the beer was getting flat and the Pizza was cold, and Fenwick hated cold pizza. He thought maybe he could just sneak out and pretends it didn’t happen or even call a cab but then Fenwick realized he was trapped by Moral realism an ethical theory he held to tried to live by and now was forced to face up to their was something and he could think of no other word for it that was morally compelling about Joan’s pain, he could not shrug off the face, that he had argued that even in a system that allowed for the non- existence god there were in fact certain inexplicable entities in the world which has action guiding properties, which were now forcing him to take a woman’s hand, a woman who professed to despise him a say Ahhh Ahhh, please don’t cry, you are a beautiful woman.
Allissa and Alexandra were watching all of this because part of the capstone methodology was un-obtrusive observation Alexandra said to Allissa “This one will take a little while to write up.” Allissa said you know the big is just so gentle, I hear he is available for tutoring, and Alexandra said I wonder if he gives discounts for girls in low cut form fitting dirndls